Fantasy Life: The Outrageous, Uplifting, and Heartbreaking World of Fantasy Sports from the Guy Who's Lived It Read online

  Praise for Matthew Berry and Fantasy Life

  “As a longtime fan of Matthew Berry, I’m happy he’s finally collected the most inane and hilarious things people will do in pursuit of fantasy glory. If I was in a fantasy league where you drafted people who write about fantasy leagues, I would draft Matthew first. Also, I would need to make some major changes in my life.”

  • Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live head writer and three-time fantasy champion in a league you don’t care about

  “You don’t have to play fantasy sports to enjoy Matthew Berry’s Fantasy Life. You don’t even need to be a sports fan. If you like great writing, if you appreciate irreverent humor, if stories about friendship, family, backstabbing, and regrettable Justin Bieber tattoos warm your heart, you’ll love this book.”

  • Harlan Coben, #1 New York Times–bestselling author

  “I am a bad fantasy football player and worse fantasy baseballer. I am heartened after reading Fantasy Life that this apparently does not matter. Matthew Berry’s book proves that there are lots of people out there like us: people who don’t use fantasy sports to escape from life, but rather to live it with more fun.”

  • Peter King, senior writer, Sports Illustrated, and owner, Montclair Pedroias, New Jersey Suburban League

  “If I had to choose between playing real football and fantasy football, I honestly don’t know what I’d choose. (Just kidding.) For players like me, fantasy sports are an obsession, an escape, and a great opportunity to trash talk each other. Matthew Berry is THE guy (other than me) everyone listens to and texts for advice during drafts. Fantasy Life is a must-read for fantasy sports fans, athletes, and anyone who loves ridiculous stories.”

  • Maurice Jones-Drew, All-Pro NFL running back, host of Running with MJD on SiriusXM Fantasy Sports Radio

  “I don’t care about fantasy sports, and unless it involves a player shooting another player on the field like in The Last Boy Scout, I don’t want to hear any stupid fantasy stories. But Matthew Berry did the impossible: He wrote a book about fantasy football that was hilarious and interesting to people who don’t even like fantasy football. I loved this book.”

  • Tucker Max, #1 New York Times–bestselling author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

  “Football can be broken down into X’s and O’s, but at the end of the day, we’re all after drama, human interest, and a great story. Matthew Berry’s Fantasy Life is a great story. I know sports can make a difference in people’s lives; Matthew Berry has shown that fantasy sports can, too.”

  • Ron “Jaws” Jaworski, ESPN NFL analyst, and proud owner of multiple fantasy championships under the name “Jawbreaker”

  “For those of us who compete in fantasy sports, it’s a fraternity. And this book IS fantasy sports. It covers the highs and lows, the good and bad, in victory and in defeat. And it’s told by the only man who could tell it: Matthew Berry, the Talented Mr. Roto himself.”

  • Dale Earnhardt Jr., NASCAR driver and 12-team Dirty Mo Posse league champion

  “I was excited to see that Matthew was writing a book about fantasy sports. As a pro athlete I’ve seen fantasy sports blow up in the last ten years, and he’s been in the middle of all of it. Thank you, Matthew Berry, for writing such a funny book—and for being my personal consultant for the Cardinals’ fantasy football league.”

  • Matt Holliday, All-Star outfielder, St. Louis Cardinals

  “Matthew Berry has gleefully documented everything that is so great about fantasy sports—the celebrations and the punishments, the conniving and backstabbing, the agony and the ecstasy. He’s got an amazing story for any situation you find yourself in. It’s the Kama Sutra of fantasy. If you’ve ever watched The League, you will love this book. Matthew shows in hilarious fashion that fantasy is like life—just better.”

  • Jackie and Jeff Schaffer, creators of The League

  “One of the people who makes it so much easier for you to enjoy success in fantasy sports now explains why we all enjoy playing fantasy sports. Draft this book early in your first round.”

  • Keith Olbermann, four-time New York Times–bestselling author, nine-time fantasy baseball pennant winner

  “Matthew Berry’s personal journey in fantasy football is a lesson in a reality of life. Now, you can separate fantasy from reality in a fascinating read.”

  • Chris Mortensen, ESPN Senior NFL Insider and “always in the money!”

  “Matthew Berry’s Fantasy Life is touching, gripping, addicting. There’s nothing like it.”

  • Adam Schefter, ESPN NFL Insider

  RIVERHEAD BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,

  New York, New York 10014, USA

  USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  For more information about the Penguin Group visit penguin.com

  Copyright © 2013 by Matthew Berry

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  Published simultaneously in Canada

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Berry, Matthew, date.

  Fantasy life : the outrageous, uplifting, and heartbreaking world of fantasy sports from the guy who’s lived it / Matthew Berry.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-101-61397-9

  1. Fantasy sports. I. Title.

  GV1202 F35B47 2013 2013009331

  796.1.—dc23

  Photograph here courtesy of Northfield News

  Photograph here courtesy of Club Risqué

  Photographs here courtesy of DavidHillPhoto.com

  Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity.

  In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers;

  however, the story, the experiences, and the words

  are the author’s alone.

  A Quick Note About the Book

  Hiya. Thanks for taking a leap of faith and buying the book. Or having someone in your life who gave it to you. Or just thumbing through it while killing time waiting for a plane because the line at Starbucks is too long. I get it and I thank you.

  Just a few quick notes. Some of the things in this book I have written about before, in different forms, on ESPN.com. They’ve all been rewritten, updated, and expanded upon, but yes, I spent more than 12 years writing about myself and my life in a weekly column before writing this book, so yeah, there’s some overlap.

  Every story you are about to read is, to the best of my knowledge, 100 percent true. Now, I’ve had to change some names and details to protect the not so innocent, but as best I could, I’ve verified everything in here. That said, what am I, a detective? In some of these I am relying on the accounts of people who were actually there. But look, it’s a book about fantasy sports. Don’t sweat it. Put your feet up and enjoy the ride.

  To my parents, Nancy and Len Berry, for always encouraging me to go for the dream, and to my wife, Beth, and kids, David, Matt, Connor, Samantha,
and Brooke, for helping me achieve it

  Contents

  Praise for Matthew Berry and Fantasy Life

  Title Page

  Copyright

  A Quick Note About the Book

  Dedication

  PART ONE: THE LEAGUE

  1. It Starts with a League, or Everyone Remembers Their First Time

  TIME-OUT: Lessons of the Fat Dogs

  2. Great Rules and Traditions, or Every Team Has to Be Named After a Weird Kid from High School

  PART TWO: DRAFT DAY

  3. Drafting in Strange Places, or “Turns Out, a Cheat Sheet Taped Inside My Beak Was Not Ideal”

  TIME-OUT: Picking the Draft Order

  4. Drafting by Any Means Necessary, or “They Have Free Wi-Fi at the Krispy Kreme!”

  PART THREE: THE SEASON STARTS

  5. The Questionable Ways People Try to Win, or “So I Invited Ricky’s Ex-Wife to Join the League . . .”

  TIME-OUT: Texts from Last Night

  6. Fallout from Cheating, or “Uh, Mom . . . Can You Bail Me Out of Jail? I, Uh, Sorta Beat Up Dad . . .”

  PART FOUR: TRADES

  7. Crazy Things People Have Traded, or “I Said I’d Take Stafford and Hernandez for Finley and Dibs on Amy”

  TIME-OUT: Trade Advice from My Late, Great Uncle Lester

  8. Not All Trades Go Smoothly, or “We Created a Second Hakeem”

  PART FIVE: BECOMING OBSESSED

  9. Going Above and Beyond to Play, or “This Is Our Third Kid. I Only Have One Title.”

  TIME-OUT: Different Kinds of Fantasy

  10. Innocent People Get Sucked Into Fantasy Madness, or “How the #!&$ Did You Get My Number?”

  PART SIX: THE MIDSEASON REFLECTION

  11. When Death Impacts Fantasy, or “This Little Society That We Construct in the Ether Has Real-World Implications and I Am Grateful for It”

  TIME-OUT: The Best Fantasy Team Names

  12. Fantasy Sports Saves Lives, or “I Used to Think He’d Be Dead by 50. Now I Think He’ll Outlive Us All.”

  PART SEVEN: THE STRETCH RUN—TIME TO GET TO WORK

  13. The Challenges of Playing Fantasy at Work, or “I Should Have Fired Him by Week Four”

  TIME-OUT: Don’t Be That Guy

  14. The Benefits of Fantasy in the Workplace, or “No One Seems to Realize That Adrian Peterson Isn’t a Parishioner”

  PART EIGHT: THE PLAYOFFS

  15. The Five Biggest, Craziest, Most Game-Changing Plays in Fantasy Football History, or “That Knee Cost Me $600,000”

  TIME-OUT: The Best Individual Days in Fantasy Football History

  16. The Top 20 Most Soul-Crushing Ways to Lose: Numbers 20–11, or “So then Chris Johnson DMed Me and Said, ‘Don’t Worry, I Got You’”

  TIME-OUT: The Matt Hasselbeck Story

  17. The Top 20 Most Soul-Crushing Ways to Lose: Numbers 10-1, or “I’ve Hated Kris Benson Ever Since”

  PART NINE: THE CHAMPIONSHIP

  18. Trash Talk, or At Which Point Monty’s Wife Walks In, Holding a Sharpie: “Now’s Your Chance”

  TIME-OUT: Punishments for Losing Your League

  19. Trophies, or “That, My Friend, Is the Rusty Tromboner”

  PART TEN: THE OFF-SEASON

  20. Husbands, Wives, and Fantasy, or “I Paid a Therapist $100 to Hear Me Explain How the Waiver Wire Works”

  TIME-OUT: Playing Fantasy Sports While Your Child Is Born

  21. Fantasy Brings Families Together, or “I Vowed to Always Support the Guinness Bowl Draft Day, from That Day Forward, ’Til Death Do Us Part”

  The Crazy Long List of Acknowledgments

  1.

  It Starts with a League

  or

  Everyone Remembers Their First Time

  They were in a hot tub, and they were drunk.

  Good friends from college, they played in a 10-team fantasy football league together. And as the drinks kept flowing, so did the trash talk.

  “Everyone in the league was a college athlete, so egos are pretty big,” Quin Kilgore remembers. “No one could even consider the thought of losing.”

  Trash talk leads to bets, and bets lead to rules, and by the end of the evening the group had come to a very simple, but very real, agreement.

  Last place in the league . . . has to get a tattoo.

  Not some lame-ass henna tattoo that fades in a few weeks. No, we’re talking a legit, full-on, chosen by the winner, for-the-rest-of-your-life tattoo. Nights that start drunk in a hot tub often end in regret, but “sobering up the next morning, we stuck with it,” Quin tells me. “One of the guys in the league, Spud Mann, was in law school at the time and drew up a contract dictating size, placement, and tone of the tattoo.”

  The basic parameters: embarrassing tattoos are allowed, racist ones are not, and no going all Mike Tyson and putting it on the face. “Just before the draft that year, we all signed it. And of course, the first year the loser was the guy who drew up the contract . . . Spud Mann.”

  Basically, the way the Tattoo League works is, in weeks 15 and 16, the top four play for the right to choose the tattoo and the bottom four are playing to avoid the tattoo. In year two, the loser was a guy named “Ron.”

  And in year three Adam Palmer got the, uh, honors.

  Now, sometime between two-time league winner Dusty Carter explaining to a tattoo artist exactly what a “Tebowing Care Bear” should look like and then a year later trying to find the best picture of Justin Bieber to copy, JJ Dunn was in Spokane, Washington, working on one of his 10 fantasy football teams.

  “I had stayed up an hour longer than I was planning to adjust my roster, and because of that I was able to hear a very quiet sound coming from my son’s room in the basement.”

  JJ decided to check out the sound before he went to bed. “I found my 13-year-old boy without a pulse. I started CPR and yelled for my wife to wake up and call 911. Paramedics got there quickly, and after a lot of effort, Jake’s heart started pumping on its own. Jake has since been declared all but a miracle kid, suffering no brain damage. If it wasn’t for fantasy football, I never would have been up at that hour and heard that. It may seem like hyperbole, but fantasy football helped save my son’s life.”

  Getting the word LOSER permanently inked on your body and being the reason your child is still alive are polar opposite stories, but in the world of fantasy sports I got news for you: neither one surprises me. When you’re done with this book, you’ll realize the same thing I did:

  From birth to funerals and everything in between, there is no aspect of life that fantasy doesn’t touch.

  Most important, it touches people. I’ve said this a million times in interviews over the years. Long before Twitter, Facebook, or even MySpace and Friendster, fantasy football was the original online community. And now there are millions of people with the same shared experiences.

  From friends from high school, college, or work, to couples, families, and even people you’ve only “met” online . . . I know of leagues from every walk of life. Heikki Larsen and the “Margarillas” play while on tour with Jimmy Buffett. Many major league baseball players have a clubhouse fantasy football league with their teammates, including CC Sabathia, who would like you to know he’s the 2012 New York Yankees clubhouse champion. There are leagues with prison inmates and leagues done on Army bases overseas. Dr. Melanie Friedlander plays in a league of all orthopedic surgeons. All 10 owners in Don Carlson’s league are from Fire Station 1 in the Los Angeles Fire Department. And Miss January 2010, Jaime Edmondson, plays in a league with fellow Playboy playmates.

  I’ve heard of leagues in the White House and US Senate; leagues with all female lawyers, with Hollywood agents, and high stakes ones comprised of Vegas casino owners. David Bailey runs a 12-person league with six real-life couples. The trash talk
gets pretty intense in that one. The cast of the Broadway play Rock of Ages has a league, as does Petty Officer 2nd Class Dick Shayne Fossett and the squadron aboard the USS George H. W. Bush. Jay-Z plays in a high-stakes league with music producers, record execs, and the people who run the 40/40 club. In fact, many celebrities play. Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers is a longtime player, as are actors Paul Rudd, Jason Bateman, Ashton Kutcher, and Elizabeth Banks. Daniel Radcliffe, “Harry Potter” himself, once told my podcast audience that Anquan Boldin was his “Fantasy Voldemort.” Dale Earnhardt Jr. and the pit-crew guys at Hendrick Motorsports have a league, and there are tons of high-stakes Wall Street leagues. Priests, Rabbis, and Ministers sounds like the start of a joke, but it’s actually three different fantasy leagues I know of.

  The best part of fantasy is that it gives people who normally would not have a reason to interact an excuse to talk. From the CEO and mailroom guys to long-lost cousins to everyone in between, they all have one thing in common:

  Fantasy brings them together. And it keeps them together too. That feeling of belonging is certainly what drew me to the game.

  From the time I was born in Denver to when we moved to Richmond, then Atlanta, then Charlottesville, Virginia, and finally to College Station, Texas, I had moved around a lot as a child by the age of 12. My big frizzy hair didn’t help, nor did always being the new kid. Add thick glasses (I’m nearly blind without contacts), plus a general sense of being socially awkward, and the prom king I wasn’t.

  Now, College Station is known for lots of things: Texas A&M University, where my father is a professor, is the big one. The George Bush Presidential Library, its sister city of Bryan, Texas, and the fact that singer Lyle Lovett got his start there all make the Wikipedia page.

  But among the things College Station is not known for?

  Jewish kids.

  Only a few handfuls of them live there, so that was yet another thing that made me feel different when I arrived. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget one of my first days in Texas. I was sitting at lunch with some classmates, including a girl I had just met. It was during Passover week, and I mentioned that the odd bread I was eating was called “matzoh” and that I was Jewish: